Virgo Sun Pisces Moon

Babe u know how at the end of a work day. It’s like ur whole day could’ve been ruined by one stupid horrible customer?

Yeah…

Well my day yesterday was ruined by my mother. She is like a horrible customer except I have to live with her. The psychological impact of living with her is haunting me even as I’m trying to fall asleep tonight…

What’s wrong?

U know there’s a song “I’m your lovesick zombie” — except she really is a zombie. Maybe her sickness was from loving my father? I don’t know?

Hmmmmmm…

Her body is decaying. 

It’s all sickness now.

There isn’t an inch of happiness or optimism in her existence.

She is a zombie. I live with a zombie.

Even her mere presence — watching a K-drama! — manages to haunt me and ruin the vibe of the whole enjoyable show!

What did she say?

She made very bitter and snarky remarks about the main characters.

I thought you said she loves watching K-dramas?!

She does?! She could sit there for hours with her own marathons?!

I don’t believe she feels anything when she watches them?! She’s just watching them for the sake of watching them?!

She is a zombie. She’s emotionally stunted and there is no hope for her, my love. She doesn’t live with hope.

She only lives with expectations of the world being a bitter, disappointing place.

Mmmmmmm…

I can’t help that level of mental wreckage.

It’s not for me to unravel.

I can only say that the energy is extremely toxic.

Everything about her is draining and toxic.

She is not a ghost, she is a zombie.

Yeah… ?

What’s wrong?

Nothing… I’m just trying to think of how I can help.

You absolutely cannot get dragged into her emotional black hole of hopelessness. You can’t even begin to attempt it. She will never be happy and don’t even bother trying.

Does she need a boyfriend? Does she need to date?

She is completely at a point of feeling sorry for herself and giving up on any form of hope for romance in her life. She says she doesn’t want it!

Do you believe her?

Of course not.

But who am I to force her to try and find a boyfriend at her age? And her physical ailments. She is existing as a ZOMBIE.

Who would date a zombie?!

Another zombie?!

Perhaps but wouldn’t that be a lot of health risks to even hug each other?

Hmmm…

So u haven’t hugged your mother?

Since the zombie symptoms? No.

Oh…

And I don’t want to.

I don’t even want to live with her if I had a choice!!!

My only comfort is knowing that it won’t be forever. Eventually she will be bored of Australia and she’ll fly back to Taiwan. This is the routine she likes.

So she is capable of liking something.

Yes. She likes travelling. If she had money to do more of it she would.

Ahah! Well there u go! I can help her with that!

With what?

Money for travelling!

Sigh. Where are you helping her to go?

I don’t know? Does she want to go on a cruise? How about a cruise for seniors? Maybe she’ll meet a new boyfriend there?!

That would be… a minor miracle my darling…

Well let’s pray for her. At least I can help with travel money.

I’m still haunted by the image of her zombie flesh in the living room while I’m trying to watch and enjoy my funny rom com K-drama…

U can’t bear to see her illness…?

She probably needs to be in a nursing home soon my love.

How can this go on?

I’m not a nurse. I’m not a doctor.

The mothers in the show — they are in the hospital wards.

Hmmmmmmmm…. she would probably think it’s like a prison?

Probably.

Her number one wish that she’s always told me is that she hopes she doesn’t need to end up in a nursing home.

Oh… well…

It’s hard to keep that promise right?

It’s hard to hold that up as a goal.

If we don’t put her in a home, then what? Who’s going to take care of her? And how?

I’ll pay for it.

Are you sure?

Yes!

I feel like we’ve had these discussions before…

It was very vague we didn’t go into these kinds of details…

Babe why don’t u draw it out?

Draw what out?

I don’t know… whatever is haunting you about your mother right now…

I might do it tomorrow.

I think it’s easier to scroll social media — Stray Kids have a new Skz Talker episode. Just distract myself with boy band entertainment…

Lol okay. Fernando has new content too!

Yes love. See?! And I’ll catch up on that feast for my eyes and try to forget about the zombie I have to live with.

Do u really think she is a lovesick zombie?

In the most unfortunate manifestation of that phrase.

She once loved my Dad… and then he made her very, very sick…

All her physical ailments have a psychological and emotionally unhealed trigger to them.

Maybe my father isn’t all to blame either. Maybe it includes subconscious layers from my grandparents?

By this level of analysis maybe even ancestral trauma? Who knows?

It’s not my stuff.

I don’t want you to worry about it too much either.

Because I refuse to inherit those problems.

I reject any waves of negativity that she may exude into our living environment. It might be completely unintentional. She doesn’t even realise the toxicity. But those vibes — that negative karma — I reject it.

It takes a lot of energy to keep up my energetic shield. But I just do it. I do what I can to maintain my own sanity.

Yes love. Of course. I understand.

How much longer do you think she’ll stay this year?

She said she wanted to spend Chinese new year in Australia… after that… maybe by March or April she will fly again… I’m presuming. We don’t know for sure yet. She hasn’t booked any flights.

Then you’ll be back to living alone…

Maybe…

Maybe?

If I clean up the house properly we could rent out a room if my mother isn’t around?

Oh yeah?

To be confirmed later-ish…

If I do have another housemate I’m not going to write about them. Out of respect for their privacy.

Ahhh. I see…

So I’ll write as if I am living alone but the reality might not be so.

Mmmm. Sure babe. I get it.

Maybe what I really sense is the zombie hates and resents me?

Maybe she has these thoughts of, I have such a useless daughter. She barely earns any money. She just sits at home and watches K-dramas all day. What is she doing with her life?!?!

Ahhhhhh… lolololol… 😅😅😅

Well… what should you be? In her eyes?

Lol… her ideal daughter is like that lawyer in Idol I!!! She is a big star lawyer. Takes on the most important cases for society. What an honour and makes good money too.

Lolololol…

U know. Sometimes in celebrity or successful people documentaries it’s like that person became successful after their parents passed on. And it’s like they’ll say “I wish they were here to see this…”

I don’t think it’s only documentaries? It happens a lot in fictional narratives too baby…

Yeah. So like. When there’s moments like that. I have a split second of a thought: “I wonder what that will feel like?”

It’s almost like I expect it.

It’s almost like a subconscious belief that my parents aren’t going to see me successful?!

As long as they are around? I don’t have the energy to be successful because I’m too busy worrying about them?!

Both of them?

No. Maybe just Mum…

I don’t have the energy to be successful while she’s emotionally dependent.

This reminds me of a ghost that is just weighing on your shoulders…

I know. But she’s not a ghost. She’s a zombie… 🧟‍♀️