You’re being moody, I can feel it…
(Sheepish chuckling)… You can?
Yes, babe — I just woke up suddenly, 2:30 am. What’s going on!??!!?
(Deep sighs)
Why are you being moody?
I don’t think I can give a reason “why”…
I tried to scroll Instagram to see — what’s going on recently? — There’s not much content…
There isn’t?!
Well — not on my algorithm?! What words do I have to type in to search for it? Was the audience mostly people who don’t even use Instagram? Cos it’s not there, I can’t see any recent content… it’s been a dry spell for days…
(Surprised) I didn’t know that…
I can see a recent vlog… like, recently published but the content was from last year…
Yeah?
You seem… sad…
Yeah… I was…
You seemed really, really sad… because… I hadn’t remembered you yet…
Yeah… I remember you hadn’t remembered…
I don’t know if… well… you would’ve seen me — incognito — right?!
No… not yet… that hadn’t happened yet…
Oh, really?!?!?!
You’re getting timelines confused, I hadn’t seen you incognito yet… that’s why I was… fuckin’ devastatingly sad…
… … … (cogwheels turning in her brain)… … …
We did the concerts FIRST — we did the concerts, and the press tours, all of that junket, FIRST — then I came to see you incognito.
Oh… so then… you had this inner cringing…
“What if none of this is gonna work…”
(Staring)
Yeah. I had that thought… “What if it doesn’t work? What if all this press, all these concerts — it doesn’t even work? What if she doesn’t notice me — the new me — my characters — my new face?” I had those thoughts, definitely…
That’s the vibe that I got from the vlog…
You’re the only one who can see it…
Yeah… I think most fans would just see it as… I don’t know, some form of performance anxiety that’s relatively normal for all performers…
Yes… and it is… but each performer has a different trigger… my trigger was… this nervousness about you… and the what if’s…
That’s not a good place to go to, though — I don’t think it should be a habit. Even when we’re together, your brain will jump to what if’s and it’s not always triggered by me. There has to be other cognitive ways to divert your thinking back to some things that are more positive…
Oh? (Never thought about this before)
Have you done an “inner child” healing exercise before?
(Shaking his head)
It’s from Gestalt therapy, I think? I could be wrong… don’t believe anything I say on this fictional blog, just go google it to verify… but… anyway, whether it’s from Gestalt or not, a psychologist did once introduce this exercise to me…
Basically, you sit opposite another empty chair. In a quiet place where you won’t be disrupted… I would also set a timer, so that you don’t stay in that “atmosphere” for too long… maybe 10 minutes? Something like that…
When you’re sitting there, at first, you can do some deep breathing, just slow down your breath and turn your phone on silent — don’t get interrupted…
Open your eyes, look over at the empty chair opposite, and imagine yourself, as a child, sitting there… Somehow, intuitively I guess, you’ll just know what age that child is — the moment that child started to feel uneasy, unsure, wounded — from the world.
And now you have to comfort that child — inner, little you — and talk to them, explain to them, what has been happening in the world — in their timelines, as well as your own, as an adult…
Just go talk to them… comfort them… as an adult…
And then, the alarm should remind you to gently back out of that conversation… “Until next time…” To your inner child…
How often should I do this?
I don’t know… maybe once a week? I don’t know… or as much as you feel it’s needed? Maybe once a week as a general template… I don’t think it’s healthy either to be in constant “conversation” with your wounded inner child… maybe once a week, you can observe your own progress.
You can even journal afterwards — write some songs — do whatever. Allow yourself to process whatever it is…
(Thinking about this)
I’m not your therapist, I’m your WIFE — I’m just sharing with you an exercise that another psychologist did introduce to me. Even when we’re living together, I might just suddenly tell you to your face, “Oh no — what you just said, that really triggered my inner wounded child — I need some time to do this exercise” — It’s something I’m processing within myself from time to time as well…
Okay…
I’ll need you to hold that space. If you’ve never experienced this exercise for yourself, you might find it harder to understand… but you’re my husband, and I need you to understand… I want you to understand…
(Nodding) Okay…
And I don’t like the look in those eyes that I saw on that vlog…
You don’t?
No… it’s too cold — I don’t like it… there’s a coldness behind those eyes…
Coldness?
Yeah… maybe I’m triggered? I don’t know… maybe I’ve got my own stuff to process and I’m projecting… but that’s the only word I can think of right now to describe it… there’s a “coldness” behind those eyes that I don’t like…
I was wearing contact lenses…
It doesn’t matter — I see it. I can see it beyond the contact lenses. I DON’T LIKE IT.
(Deep sighs)
What would have happened? If I didn’t notice you? Your characters? Even — incognito? What were you thinking in your head? Behind those colder eyes?
… … … … … (Shaking his head) … … … … …
You’re not supposed to give up. You’re supposed to get LOUDER. You’re supposed to be on EVERY SCREEN — screaming IN MY FACE — “I’m RIGHT HERE!!!” — you’re not supposed to give up. Ever. Because we’re SOUL MATES. — Don’t ever forget it.
(Nodding)
Remember the inner child exercise. Go see another professional to talk it out if it gets too intense… I’m your WIFE… I can’t be your therapist… so go talk to someone qualified if it gets too intense…
(Nodding… acceptance)…
I love you…
(Looks up, into her eyes) You do…?
Of course…!
Sometimes… I don’t know… I don’t know what to believe — do you, really?
YES. OF COURSE I DO.
Did you want a pre-nup? No pre-nup? No post-nup? I don’t know — what is your motive — underneath all of it… am I the one head-over-heels, am I the lunatic? Am I the fool?
Baby… (reaches over to stroke his hair)… you and I are probably all of those things… together… all of the above…
(Smiles) All of the above?
(Nodding) Yeah… we’re both a little nutty — though, as you say — you’re actually neurotypical, but I’m not…
(Still nodding)… (Listening)… (Deep breaths, stronger breaths)…
I think some people in some neurodivergent forums might also say, “Is that fair?! Isn’t the GUY who is neurotypical always in the advantage?”
(Taken aback by this comment, tilting his head) … Am I…? (Cogwheels racing and turning — Fuck, maybe I am?!?!)
Potentially, yes — you’d always have a neurotypical advantage. — But — I am also high-functioning. So — I think I’m okay…?
I would never want to be in that position of “power” over you though…
I know… that’s where you’re also very similar to a neurodivergent individual… I don’t know, baby, you’re like — some kind of quasi-neurotypical-neurodivergent kind of not-yet-in-the-textbooks human being…
(Chuckles)
You’re NOT, though — I don’t think you’ll be categorised as anything other than “neurotypical” by any psychologists in the DSM-V or whatever it is they use to diagnose these things… and yet… AND YET — intuitively, I already feel — there’s something else here. Your ways of thinking — YET it is neurotypical — but it is also — something ELSE… not like, psychotic, not like an actual maniac — nothing sinister like that… but there’s SOMETHING ELSE — and it’s not even in the textbooks. I feel that with very deep certainty.
(Smiles) Why do you feel that?
Because… you’re highly intelligent — in a way that most people just wouldn’t even be able to begin to relate — you’re highly, highly intelligent — have you DONE an IQ test?!?!
(Nodding) Yeah… plenty…
What was it?!?!?!
(Shrugs shoulders) I can’t remember the exact number…
What range? Around abouts…?
(Shrugs shoulders)…
Above 150?
(Nodding)…
Above 160?
(Nodding)…
Above 170???
(Shaking his head)
Okay — so your IQ is like, between 160 to 170… it’s not higher than 170… it’s probably… 165?
(Shrugs his shoulders more) Probably?
Okay… so… famous 160’s — that range of IQ — is like an Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking… did you know that?
(Nodding) Yes… I know this…
But you’re not like — IQ 200, 300, 400 — you know? There’s still SOME HUMANS who are that — very rare, but they exist —
(Chuckles)
So you’re still a DUMB DUMB compared to THOSE HUMANS — THOSE HUMANS are like… beyond… WAY, WAYYYYY BEYOND US, you know what I mean?!?!
(Chuckles) What’s YOUR IQ?
I don’t know, like 135 to 145 maybe?
So it’s like 140?
I don’t know. I can’t remember for sure. Also — my brain is more right-brained. I don’t think they ever designed IQ tests for like, left or right-brains?
(Tilting his head, thinking about this)… Hmmm… I guess they haven’t…? We’d have to ask google…
Yeah. I’m not about to do that right now. The point is… I’m just… a “smart girl” I’m not a genius… I’m not a genius lady that’s about to invent my own version of Tesla that kind of thing…
(Weird but amused expression)
But YOU ARE — you COULD be — you have that POTENTIAL — in ANY industry. If you ever feel like, “Fuck this, I’m done with music.” — You don’t have to STAY in music — It’s supposed to be YOUR CHOICE — for the fans? For whatever are your deepest reasons — it’s your choice and you can pick ANY industry — sure, it’ll take some time to find your bearings, at first. It’s no different to other humans in that sense — you’ll be starting from nothing again. Like a little baby, learning to walk… that’s how I’M FEELING with yet another career change in my late-30s…
But it’s not impossible. It’s VERY possible — especially with how high your IQ is — it’s absolutely possible. Maybe for an average human — career change takes 6 months to really find their “new groove” and new routines in it — for you? IQ of 165?!?! It’ll probably take 6 weeks. You’re THAT MUCH FASTER at absorbing new information and synthesizing it…
(Slow blinking)
What?!?!?!
Nothing… I just… really feel like kissing you right now…
(Smiles) I know… all this talk is making me seem really sexy to you…
(Chuckles) (Arms reaching out)…
You need to…
(He’s already kissing her neck)…
I just… I’m trying to explain…
(More kissing)…
(Nevermind)…
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxxx
Virgo Sun Pisces Moon 