Virgo Sun Pisces Moon

I blame your older brother…

You’re blaming my older brother?

Yes. For my shock. And my freak-outs. My feeling like I’ve lost my bearings…

Why?

Because — I had known him for FIVE YEARS before I even ever met you. The whole time. The whole time in that friendship for FIVE YEARS — he never once mentioned you.

NONE of the mutual friends — not even his own ROOM MATE — knew that he had a YOUNGER BROTHER?!?! Named… YOU?!?!?! —

What kind of person just doesn’t have photos of their own SIBLINGS somehow in a photo frame or SOMETHING around their apartment where they LIVE?!?!!?

(Chuckles)

How is that possible?!? Are you even real?!!? Were you a failed clone?!?! Were your parents trying to clone HIM and then YOU turned out as the result?!?!!?

(Laughing) That’s actually not a bad theory… maybe I should ask our parents that?!?! Maybe I “am” the clone?!!??!!?!! The failed clone?!?!?!

Yeah. You turned out to be the failed clone because you’re just one or two centimetres shorter than him. You’re just that slightly bit shorter and he always boasts about it… “I’m OLDER… and TALLER!”

(Rolling his eyes) By about two centimetres. Yes that makes sense. I’m the failed clone. Because my embryo… just didn’t develop like his. I didn’t reach his height, I didn’t even reach his exact facial features… well, I’ve changed them now anyway —

No.

No?

Sometimes — when it’s fan angles — when it’s not curated by a photographer — I still see it.

Still see what?

I still see the resemblance to your Older Brother. And then I feel like, “That’s him… that’s Mini-Older Brother…”

Why do you keep using that nickname? “Mini-Older Brother?”

Because that’s how I used to think of you. I rarely ever thought of you as Common Name… I almost forgot that Common Name WAS your name. Sometimes people around me are talking about Common Name and I’m like, “That name sounds so familiar… where do I know that name from?!” — But if I think about “Mini-Older Brother” — ?! I know for sure, who that is.

You… always thought of me as Mini-Older Brother?

(Nodding) Sort of… yes… And then I couldn’t get it out of my head… “I’m… I’m falling in love with… Mini-Older Brother?!?!!?!” — Like… why!??! What was the reason?!?!!? How is this happening?!?!?!?!

(Puzzled as well)…

I’m making love to… Mini-OLDER BROTHER?!?!!?!?!

(Laughing)

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?!?! (Re-enacting the bewilderment very dramatically! Like Lady MacBeth looking down at blood on her hands…)

Ohhhh my godddddd… (BIG CHUCKLES)

I got a bit confused one year — Am I attracted to Older Brother or Mini-Older Brother?!?!?!

(LOL)… How could you get us confused?

Because… as much as you wouldn’t want to admit it. When you’re not “in character” — when you’ve got all the make-up off. Contact lenses off. — You’re like a Mini-Older Brother… You are VERY SIMILAR… more than you want to even admit to yourself. You’re very, very similar. Raised by the same parents. There’s so many things that you tell me, about your values, the way you see the world — “Oh yeah, that’s Mini-Older Brother.” — Is often how I receive this information.

WHAT?!?!?!

Because… we were FRIENDS… for FIVE WHOLE YEARS. He was my PLATONIC HUSBAND. (Okay, maybe not from his perspective, but from MINE!) — It always felt so EASY to talk to him about random things — in a PLATONIC way — I don’t know what it was. We had that kind of friendship.

(Still puzzled) Why…? Why was that?!?!?!

I don’t know… (Actually, I do. But I don’t want to tell the blog)… Maybe you’ll have to ask him… (Actually, you don’t have to, but you could. It’s up to you)…

He’s married now…

I know, and I’m very happy for him. I really, really am. I know that you’re not him. He’s not you. But as BROTHERS — you two are really, really, REALLY SIMILAR. Even with your “new face” — you’re still very, very similar…

(Thinking)… Did you know there are some books and movies about this… two brothers falling in love with the same girl?

(Frowning) — He was never in love with me… he’s married now… it’s not about THAT…

Oh… How do you know? How do you know that he was never in love with you?!

(Weirded out by this question) — Because we’d be married by now if he was?! Wouldn’t we?!?! Why would he just “sacrifice” his own heart — if he knew you liked me? Why would he have even INTRODUCED YOU — to me?! To our mutual friends?! If he wanted me for himself?!?!?! It doesn’t make any sense!

But what if he knew that I was going to be a genre star. What if he felt that I could provide for you better than what he can provide with his salary?

(Thinking about this… pouting)… Are you sure that you, as a genre star, even make more money than him?!?!

(Giggles)

I’m pretty sure his wife right now is a very, very, very lucky and taken care of woman. Isn’t she?! Isn’t your sister-in-law a very lucky lady?!?!

(Laughing) Yeah… she’s comfortable…

Are you two that competitive? Have you compared “net worth” with him lately?

(Smiles) (Nodding)

Who’s the winner?

(Pointing to himself)… Definitely me… (SO HAPPY)…

Okay…? Well…?

I was always the winner. I don’t care — whatever — maybe, momentarily — he once had a crush on you or something — but he bowed out. He bowed out, he knew he couldn’t beat me. I was going to make that MONEYYYYY by being the GENRE STAR!!! And he couldn’t BEAT. ME.

But why did he even INTRODUCE YOU to us?!?! The whole group of mutual friends?!?! — We were FRIENDS. I’d never even seen your PHOTO — in FIVE WHOLE YEARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!

(Sigh) Because… you don’t remember this… one day, Malaysian Bestie or someone like that asked you who your “ideal man” was — and the list that you listed out — it didn’t sound anything like him. It sounded more like ME. And then it dawned on him, “Oh… maybe she suits my younger brother… Maybe Common Name can give her a good life… ONE DAY….”

But then he called you a little SHIT. He said you were a TRAINWRECK — stay away from me.

Yeah… well… I had my own Demons back then. But deep down, he knew. Deep down, that eventually — in the long run. I’d be the one for you. I’d be the BETTER ONE for you. I am your SOUL MATE. We fit.

But does he feel guilty about anything? Anything that’s happened in our past?

(Shaking his head) No… I don’t think so… he’s genuinely — now — truly madly deeply in love with his current wife. They’re so good together. She’s lovely.

Yeah… I know she’s really nice…

Do you… feel anything?!

No. I really don’t feel anything. I’m genuinely happy for him that he’s found a good wife for him. I don’t mind our friendship the way that it used to be — before I ever met you. I still remember that fondly. Like teenaged siblings. We were just platonic friends, to me.

You still remember those first five years of friendship with him very fondly?

(Nodding) Yes. Always… it was so easy. We were all such good friends. With the mutual friends as well. The whole group at large. We were our own little “rat pack” of random people from different countries… somehow gravitating towards each other to form this friend group. Out of all the other random people at uni and on campus — even Ronny Chieng?! Right?! We never crossed paths with him — but each other? Our mutual friends… we crossed paths with each other. We introduced ourselves, we connected. We became real friends.

(Nodding) (Smiling)

Real friends that never told each other they had a SECRET YOUNGER BROTHER THAT WAS A MINI VERSION OF THEMSELVES!!!! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!?!!?!

(Laughing) (Chuckling)

It’s like I’m never gonna get over that “shock” — I’M IN LOVE WITH A MINI-OLDER BROTHER?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

(Laughing)

You’re… HIS CLONE… the same font… different flavours… I don’t know… it’s soooo… similar…

Then what’s the difference!?!??!!? From your perspective what’s the difference?!?! It can’t be my profession. You don’t even give a fuck about my profession.

Yeah it’s not your profession… Older Brother used to like singing as well. Sure he didn’t do it professionally, but he loved singing at Karaoke…

(Nodding) True…

I think the difference is… with you… there is a really, unshakeable, intense sexual and physical attraction… and it’s not just your new face. This was way before your new face… I was drawn to you… like a moth to a flame… your SMELL… intoxicated me… and then… all the rest of you… just… reeled me right in…

(Smiling)

So yeah, there’s actually a lot of other differences… but sometimes… SOMETIMES… even with your new face… just know… some UNFILTERED, non-curated camera angles by the fans — I can still SEE it. Your Mini-Older Brother face… it’s there. It’s actually THERE.

(Weirded out by this)… Really?!

Yeah… it’s still there… and I LOVE THAT IT’S STILL THERE. Not for Older Brother — but for you — Original You — The Mini-Older Brother You… Maybe it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me.

It does?

(Nodding) Yes and I find it comforting…

You do?!?!!?

Yes… I like to see your characters in these unfiltered, non-curated camera angles from the fans… because — it’s like an assurance —

“Fuck. I’m not actually delulu…”

“That’s friggin MINI-OLDER BROTHER. On stage. — THAT’S HIM.”

It doesn’t come through in the curated photos? Fashion magazines?

(Shaking head) Nope — not at all. It’s like the photographers think Mini-Older Brother isn’t actually that attractive and won’t be appealing to the masses…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA………………….

Mini-Older Brother is part of your NUDE. FACE. — I still love Mini-Older Brother… as weird as that “name” might sound to everyone else… it makes sense to me… it’s so weird but it makes sense… You’re still his YOUNGER BROTHER. It’s undeniable. That shared DNA. You’re HIS — little — BOTHER. You’re Mini-Older Brother!!!

(Cackling)………..

(Composing himself)………….

Please — don’t ever call me that name when we’re in bed.

(LOLOLOLOL) Okay… I promise I won’t do THAT… (Laughing)

I don’t mind that… for some reason… cognitively… that makes sense to you in your brain…?! But… I think that… as time goes on… that “concept” — it’s going to fade. I’m still ME. I’m still growing and learning and evolving as ME. As myself. I’m MY OWN MAN. I’m not just a “little brother” anymore — I’M ME.

And we’ve grown apart so much now. I’ve lived away from him for so long. I’ve travelled the world. I’ve done so many things that I don’t even talk about with him at all. I see the world through my own lenses. I know what you mean about some foundational values — things instilled in us by our parents — but there’s more.

There’s so much more that I’m going to share with you and tell you. Especially within all these years that I haven’t told you yet — how I’ve formed my own concept of the world, and people, and so many other things… I’m not him. I’m not a Mini-Older Brother at all, actually… I don’t see it. I don’t relate to it.

I can agree we have some foundational values instilled by our parents. I know I keep repeating that but that’s all that I see it as. Just a small percentage of who I am.

There’s more — there’s so much more to me — THE REAL ME — that nobody else gets to see. And you’re gonna meet him. And when you do, you’ll be like, “Oh… actually you’re NOT Mini-Older Brother at all?!”

(Processing this) (Accepting)…

(Nodding) (Smiling) Yeah… there’s so much more to me than being a mini- version of him…