Virgo Sun Pisces Moon

I think you want someone blonde, spray-tanned with blue eyes.

That’s just… typical Australian beauty standards.

Yeah. I think you’re still very Aussie, deep down. I think that’s what you actually LIKE…

I never said that. I would never say that. Don’t you ever try to catch me saying that in public or on camera — I would NEVER say that.

You’re not saying but you’re thinking it!!!

I am not!!! (Shaking head!!!)

YOU’RE AUSSIE. YOU WANT THAT KIND OF GUY.

That is the most ridiculous accusation of me you have ever made. You might as well be accusing me of having a crush on Chris Hemsworth.

(Jaw dropped) DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON CHRIS HEMSWORTH?!!? WE WEREN’T EVEN TALKING ABOUT HIM AND THEN YOU BRING HIM UP FROM OUT OF NOWHERE!?!?! IS THAT IT?!?! IS CHRIS HEMSWORTH YOUR TYPE?!?!?!

I don’t know what you’re getting so upset about. Chris Hemsworth is literally EVERY Australian woman’s TYPE —

See?!?!? That’s it!!! YOU HAVE THE AUSTRALIAN WOMEN’S GAZE.

(LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL) No I don’t!!!!!! Stop trying to fit me into a box!!! I’m not anybody’s typical demographic!!! You can’t just slap a label on me as “Chris Hemsworth fan” or anything like that!!!

Do you think Chris Hemsworth is attractive?

Objectively — yes.

(Laughing) There ya go. That’s the TRUTH. I finally found the TRUTH on this FICTIONAL BLOG.

No, it’s still fiction. I’m just adding him as a light-hearted example.

An example of a guy that you’re ATTRACTED to…

You’re being weird. You’re freaking out over nothing. What’s actually wrong?

(Deep breaths… pouting)… I think you’re attracted to Aussie guys.

HAHAHAHAHAHA…. NO.

Why not?!

Why?!?! Why does it have to be either or?!!? It’s about the person’s PERSONALITY. I’m attracted to you for your PERSONALITY.

That is the BIGGEST CROCK OF SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD. You’re NOT attracted to me for my personality — you LEFT me for my personality. You’re attracted to me because I’m all of a sudden a genre celebrity.

Why… are we arguing about this…

Because… all your “Visions” of our wedding and our wedding night… well… you didn’t describe my hair on our wedding night. But you specifically requested that I wear a blonde wig during the “Pagan” side quest part of the wedding. And even in your “Proposal” visions — I’m blonde. Even if you say “dirty blonde” — which by the way, I think it’s just you trying to fictionalise things for the blog — it’s like you keep imagining me in my most authentic moments with you — BLONDE.

Okay… but that doesn’t mean that I’m “blanket statement” attracted to Aussie guys… those are two separate things. You’re still an ASIAN GUY with BLONDE HAIR. There’s a DIFFERENCE.

Okay… well… maybe I’m wondering about myself too. I’m also wondering which one is my authentic self? Which hair colour?

Why does it have to be either or?!?!

It doesn’t… I’m just… I don’t know.

There’s something else. You’re still being WEIRD…

(Give up kind of sighing)… Fine. I am INSECURE about our WEDDING NIGHT. I think I want to be BLONDE for our WEDDING NIGHT.

… … … why?

Because… I think you like that…

I honestly don’t mind — and now I’m sounding like a typical fan — but I honestly don’t mind if you have black or blonde hair or whatever the fuck other colour you want to have on our wedding night. FUCK ME with PINK HAIR! I don’t care!!!

Hmmm… now you got me picturing myself in pink hair on top of you…

(Laughter and giggles) Okay…? And…?

Hmmm… what if I had pink hair on our wedding day?

(Shaking head) I think we’re going in circles — we’re not doing that.

Okay but you just said “fuck me with pink hair” and now you’ve got me aroused thinking about me being in pink hair and making love to you.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA… Let’s do that… another day… it doesn’t have to be the wedding night because how are you going to juggle wearing a blonde wig for the Pagan thing, black hair for the rest of the wedding, especially in front of Asian parents and then what?! A pink wig for our hotel room on the actual wedding night?!?!?!

(Nodding and processing)… (giggling to himself)…

WHAT?!?!?!

What if I had pink pubes?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH… stop!!!

Okay. I’m just joking… (giggling uncontrollably)…

You’re the one who brought up this topic! What conclusion do you want for this conversation?!

My conclusion is — actually, I don’t want black hair for the wedding. I think I want to be blonde. Will your parents be okay with that?

(Nodding) Yes, they’ll be fine. It’s not a BIG DEAL — I just thought you wanted the whole traditional wedding thing…

I do… but… it’s like I want it 95% traditional and everything is nice and comforming and all of that — your Vogue features — all of that — but then, I just… want to be BLONDE… for the entirety. I want to be blonde at that altar with you. I want to be blonde for the reception. Of course I’m being blonde for the Pagan side quest. And I want to be blonde on our wedding night. Actually — it’s more about that. I want to be blonde on our wedding night, and honeymoon. I want to make love to you with blonde hair.

(Big sigh)… okay… why…?

Because… I feel more confident in blonde hair.

Not black?

No — black hair, I’m more introverted… of course, when we’re dating — you’ll get to experience that. When I have black hair and we’re just hanging out at home. Actually, that’s all that black hair me wants to do. Just stay home, just watch TV, read some books, play some video games… black hair is introverted me. Blonde hair is extroverted me.

I think the Blonde me has a lot more bravery… especially for big events like a wedding. Especially for our wedding night. Our honeymoon…

Oh…? But… you had that bravery originally, without blonde hair — when you first met me…

Right… but… that was just 18-year old bravery. That’s gone now. I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m an old, jaded, bruised and battered millennial man, deep down. I just can’t be that brave without the blonde… now, blonde is my crutch.

(Nodding) (Taking this all in…) Okay… I mean… I’m glad you told me… we’re finally getting to the root of these problems…

(Smirk) Root…

(Giggling) Okay you’re not THAT mature… relax! You’re still you —

(Giggling) Okay but… seriously… I do want to be blonde for those events… for our wedding night…

Blonde and… spray tanned?!

(Shrugs shoulders) I’ve never had a spray tan. Do you want me to get a spray tan?

No, I don’t want you to do anything. I want you to feel happy and confident at any time of any day. Whatever that takes.

(Deep breathing) Okay, I’m going to get a spray tan for our wedding only. I’ve never done it before.

Well — maybe you should TRY it before you leave it for THE WEDDING?! Most people have a “test” run, right?! Maybe a few months or weeks ahead of the actual day?!

… Right… okay… a test run…

But it doesn’t even make sense. Your characters would NEVER.

(Smirk) It doesn’t have to involve them…

But the timing of everything!

Trust me — it doesn’t involve them. It’s fine.

I don’t really want you to get a spray tan though, this conversation has now been steered in the weirdest direction.

Okay — you don’t want it. I want it. I’m taking ownership now. I’m not accusing you of having Aussie beauty standards, it’s me. I look in the mirror and “I” have Aussie beauty standards. I want to see myself blonde, blue-eyed, SPRAY TANNED. Yeah. I kind of want to see that…

This is getting… weird…

I’M WEIRD.

(Chuckles) Okay…?

Okay?

Yeah — if that’s how you feel that you’re going to FEEL CONFIDENT for our wedding, our wedding night, our honeymoon… I’m not going to tell you how to look all the time. I want you to make your own decisions about that, on occasion.. and perhaps, with this particular series of occasions…

(Smiling) We’re going to make love… in that hotel bath… and I’m blonde…

And I’m falling asleep… (laughing)

True — but… the next morning…

(Smiles — realising) You want me to see your BLONDE HAIR in the MORNING LIGHT! That’s what it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Big smiles!!! Jaw dropped — didn’t even think of the light) (Nodding) HECK YEAH. I want you to see that. I actually really do… YEAH!!! We’re going to get married and then the FIRST MORNING that we’re ACTUALLY MARRIED — you look over at me and I’M BLONDE WITH THE SUN LIGHT…

(Laughing)

You just married… THE SUN GOD…

(LOLOLOL) Mmmm… sounds sexy…

(Raising eyebrows, smiling)… xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxxx