Virgo Sun Pisces Moon

Taiwanese Friend: You’re scared to tell him.

Me: I am. This time around, I’m fuckin’ scared to tell him. I want to tell him. I don’t want to keep any secrets. But I’m scared, yes, I’m scared.

Taiwanese Friend: What’s the worst that could happen?

Me: He feels betrayed… the Internet makes a mockery of this… that… it all just… disappears.

Taiwanese Friend: But it doesn’t even exist now. Not physically. Not tangibly. And the internet — has LOTS OF OTHER DISTRACTIONS (Laughing) — The Internet is not following this.

Me: Okay, it’s not about the Internet. It’s about me. I’m scared to admit it. I’m scared to talk about it. I don’t want to write about it on a public blog. I want to tell him face to face, I think that will be better. But at the same time, I’m scared to see him face to face because… I haven’t told him yet… and none of the usual mutual friends know. They just don’t know this.

Taiwanese Friend: How many times was it anyway? Only once, or twice? And it was way, way before the Pandemic. Like so long ago. You completely forgot about him then, didn’t you?

Me: Yes. My memory was completely blank. I can’t remember how. What happened. What was I thinking? I was in a delulu. I was very delulu. I thought I was dating a Korean guy for the first time in my dating life. That’s how delulu I was. I really can’t explain — how that happened. Why these memories are now coming back and why in that moment — in those moments — it was completely blank. I can’t explain it. I don’t know why.

Taiwanese Friend: Why is it… so… cloudy?

Me: Maybe the alcohol. Maybe sheer will. That I had achieved — “Forget about him” — and I really did. Momentarily.

Taiwanese Friend: No, it was after the phone call, when they said, don’t let him break your heart again. You went into a dating app whirlwind.

Me: Oh? Is that what happened? I don’t even really remember.

Taiwanese Friend: Yes. I remember. And it was weird, because, why, when you are trying to forget about him, are you matching with KOREAN guys on a dating app!?

Me: I don’t know. I don’t fuckin’ know anything. But it was definitely before the Pandemic. It was so fuckin’ long ago. It was even before some friends’ weddings. It was really, really long ago.

Taiwanese Friend: Yeah. It was that long ago… you can tell him more details when it’s face to face, but it was that long ago. And there aren’t any sordid details. It’s mildly embarrassing now to talk about… but… it’s not as bad as most people might be thinking…

Me: I don’t know… I’m scared… I’m really, really scared… This instils fear in me. I don’t know if… there might be something crazy out there on the Dark Web. That I can’t even know for sure right now. I have no idea. I don’t believe so — but I have no idea for certain. And what if people just use A.I. to recreate it to taunt him?! I don’t want that for him.

Taiwanese Friend: Yeah. I think you’re getting paranoid. I don’t think it’s gonna be that bad. I think you’re also forgetting — you did catch up, with friends, and then you went back to your hotel — and you fucked the other guy! The Korean guy!

Me: No I didn’t. That didn’t happen. That’s a fictionalization.

Taiwanese Friend: It was cyber sex. You guys had cyber sex. It’s fuckin’ insane. You’re like guilty but not guilty… but guilty!

Me: Is it forgiveable, though? Is it forgiveable? If a woman… has cyber sex?! With another man? When they were… on a break?

Taiwanese Friend: I think that… after a few days… he’ll be okay… he might even be intrigued — what do YOU know… HOW to DO…??? As… “Cyber… Sex”….?!

Me: OH FUCK. HIM AND HIS DIRTY MIND. FUCK.

Taiwanese Friend: Was it over FaceTime? Was that how it was done?!

Me: END. OF. DISCUSSION.

Taiwanese Friend: Not end of discussion! What if he wants… what the other guy had? What if that intrigues him. Because it works. It works over distance. It worked on you, for the short amount of time that there was a delulu that it was somehow a developing relationship, didn’t it?

Even if he had sat right in front of you — hypothetically — incognito, with friends during that lunch catch up. You were so beyond delulu. You were, literally, mind-fucked.

Me: Yes. Okay. It worked. I can’t remember how. Maybe… well, I do… but… I don’t want to talk about it…

Taiwanese Friend: Would you do it with… him? This time around? And more things?

Me: I think — I need to learn MORE about Cybersecurity — if I did. I would really, really need to know — THIS IS 100% ENCRYPTED. It’s not gonna get anywhere. That would be… CRAAAZZYYYYYY…!!!

It’s not A.I. It’s not an illusion. It’s real. It can be done over distance. But… the variables… it’s a risk. I don’t think… there’s ever any guarantee, I’m not sure… I’m still learning Cybersecurity… sometimes, the more you learn, the more you discover — the system could be more vulnerable than what most people think. It’s barely holding itself together with duct tape as it is.

Taiwanese Friend: It’s okay, I’m sure even if he trusts you, nobody else would. So that’s not happening. He’s not allowed to do anything like it. Absolutely not. But when he’s retired… if he needs to fly away somewhere… he might have that freedom, then. And he might want to… just replace those memories for you…

Me: GOOD. Thank GOD! Because — I’m not even proud of it. I wouldn’t really, really “want” to do it… ever again. EVER. But okay, by the time he’s retired — we’d have a LOT of time to build back trust and comfort and routines and yeah, okay, an old married couple — who cares. Let them do what they want over FaceTime. (LOL)

Taiwanese Friend: So, before “real marriage” — you’d still rather just meet up face to face.

Me: Who wouldn’t?! You can’t replace anything on a screen with what’s real.

Taiwanese Friend: But in your delulu, you even were able to ignore Mr Incognito.

Me: In my delulu, I thought I was being loyal to the other guy — it was stupid. Actually, I was probably a bit shook. I remember I was very shook when I got back to the hotel… I was, literally shaking. And I thought, “I just need a shower or something, to wash off Mr Incognito…” That’s what I did. I had a warm shower and washed him off.

And the other guy… it wasn’t very satisfying. None of it was very satisfying. I just went through some motions. It doesn’t even compare to the fantasies that I have now. The experiences I’m experiencing now. It felt more like, an obligation, because I was trying to grasp at establishing a long term relationship with a “good on paper” Korean guy. But it doesn’t really mean anything. There was no long term compatibility. Nothing to do with cultures, just in general. No compatibility. “Good on paper” means nothing.

Taiwanese Friend: It’s okay, he remembers. In your own delulu you forgot you did say something that day at lunch. You were just… hiding some other facts about it. Now it’s all out here. For everyone to read. (LOL)

Me: It’s fiction.

Taiwanese Friend: It’s all fiction. The main point of this story is for people to be careful out there with internet dating… cybersecurity…

Me: Yes. It’s for cybersecurity awareness.

Taiwanese Friend: What happens if you don’t press “Publish” — ?

Me: I get anxious…

Taiwanese Friend: What would happen if you do?

Me: I will… also probably be anxious…

Taiwanese Friend: So either he knows a bit of the Truth, or he doesn’t. Either way, you’re anxious and you have to work through your anxiety for yourself.

Me: Yes. Okay. I just… can’t… keep reading and saving drafts… I have to just… publish it. And, then, it’s out there. For anyone to read. For whatever their own projections. I don’t want to… I don’t know. I don’t want us to have these types of secrets. I don’t mind, harmless “secrets” — things you don’t need to know, because you genuinely don’t need to know.

But this kind of secret, you can’t get married with these types of secrets. You can’t sign that piece of paper. You can’t stand at an altar with these types of secrets. You have to get it all out. Either in person or however. You have to get it all out. These types of secrets, before getting married. Then you can feel, truly, it’s the new start. It’s the new chapter. No secrets. Not this type.

Taiwanese Friend: Do you expect him to tell you…? If he has these types of secrets?

Me: Yes, but I’m okay if it’s not immediately after reconnecting. I’m okay with that. It’s a lot. It’s a lot to take in… I’d rather… take it slow… re-build in person… tell me later on… when there’s more of a happy routine, but we’re not yet married… it has to be told before getting married. For reals.

Taiwanese Friend: If he forgives you, will you forgive him?

Me: Maybe I would need a week or two, to process. If he has more stories to tell. I wouldn’t write about them here, but I’d need to find some way to process — go for a walk, write in my own paper journal, paint, do whatever else. I wouldn’t write about it here. I would just still need time to process it. And then, I’ll let him know when I am back to normal. I’ll let him know. I wouldn’t need more than a month. I’m pretty sure about that. I would need, between a week to a months’ time. Each time he tells me a new story… if he has more than one story to tell.

Taiwanese Friend: I think, you are facing your worst fears in this post. And you’ll take your time, you’ll keep going about with your Day to Day… stuff… and then, it’ll gradually come back. You’re the one, now, who needs between a week to a months’ time, after this is published… because… you’re feeling guilty in yourself. You can’t even write the fluffy “I Love You” poems in the same way. Because you’re feeling guilty within yourself.

Me: I think I can still write “I Love You” — but it’s like. I love you with guilt… I can’t shake that off… not right now. And it was so stupid. We could’ve had it all. I could’ve just let my guard down with Mr Incognito. And I chose… the dumbass. The cybersecurity risk. I chose that?! In that moment?! Before the Pandemic. I did that. I did.

Taiwanese Friend: Did your… email get hacked or something?

Me: I think that was two totally separate situations. But yes… once I had an email… that got a security alert. And I abandoned it. I don’t know what else has happened to anything that was communicated. I don’t think I ever emailed… him? I don’t think we did that. I don’t think we have those kinds of emails to be looking for in any archives. I’m pretty sure, that I was just going to blog about my life. So that he could read it. He could read it any time. And I can blog and write about whatever I want. So he can just… get a general understanding. It’s not the same as real couples, talking to each other, every day. But it’s as close as we’re currently able to get.

And now I can’t remember if I’ve written this or if it’s still in a draft somewhere — Google, now, new policies: accounts inactive after two years will be deleted. So, most plausibly, that’s what’s happened by this time of writing. It’s all gone anyway.

Taiwanese Friend: Are you still together? After confessing all this?

Me: YES. I sure expect so…

Taiwanese Friend: And you’re okay to hold the space for him, if he needs to confess something similar?

Me: Can it be — not this week? Not this month? I don’t know if my heart can handle it that quickly.

Taiwanese Friend: Not this week… not this month… too soon to reveal more information.

Me: Way too soon.

Taiwanese Friend: What do you want from him in the meantime?

Me: I don’t know… Lo-Fi chill vibes… just keep it chillin’… keep it cool…

Taiwanese Friend: Lo-Fi chill vibes…

Me: Yes. There’s Lo-Fi Sundays, and there’s Lo-Fi Chill. These are two different Apple Music playlists. Today I’m listening to Lo-Fi Chill.

Taiwanese Friend: Thought you had a Sumsung phone, why are you listening to Apple music? How?

Me: You can get Apple music on Samsung.

Taiwanese Friend: You can?! Really!?

Me: Yes! Just download the app! Log in with your Apple ID.

Taiwanese Friend: Do you have any other Apple devices?

Me: Yes…?

Taiwanese Friend: Oh. So you’re still using other Apple devices as well as this usual Samsung phone for everyday use.

Me: Yes. — Does that matter?

Taiwanese Friend: It’s interesting… I guess that’s pretty common these days.

Me: It’s very common these days. And it’s generally safe. I’m not too worried — from a Cybersecurity perspective — about that. Two-factor authentication is a good thing. Keeping multiple devices for two-factor authenticating. That’s a good thing. Just gotta stay organised. Otherwise, it’ll be a big mess.

Taiwanese Friend: Oh, I see… I think, he’ll be happy to learn about all this, face to face. When you do see him…

Me: Okay, well… whenever that is… I think I am breathing more normally again.

Taiwanese Friend: I think he’ll be happy to know that you’re breathing more normally again.

Me: Good. And I need him to know that I love him.

Taiwanese Friend: No guilt? I don’t think he wants you to “love him with guilt” — it’s not really him. He doesn’t want you to feel tortured like this.

Me: Okay, after I press publish — that’s it. Guilt released. I love him. He’s my guy. I love him. Wholeheartedly.